I'm not sure if it's because I haven't been paying attention that much but boy am I surprised to realize that this is the last Sunday of May. What the heck, right? I'd like to take that as a sign that Things Are Going Well, but then again when the days fly by fast you might risk taking things for granted.

I want to make a conscious effort to make my days count as I count the days passing by.

Which is why I'm on the search for a new hobby. It won't be long before I can buy my own sewing machine, so there's that and my Pinterest sewing projects waiting for me. But in the meantime maybe I'd take up the nearby gym's membership offer and sign up. Maybe. It's still way too hot and I don't know about you but I cannot wait for the Winter season to arrive. 

reading snippets of Winterheart, just because. It will always be one of my favorites. I plan on moving onto Poetic Justice soon because it's one of those rare awesome pieces about a now-used-and-abused prompt. The chapter length is a little daunting but I think the slow build-up was absolutely necessary to establish their bond and the eventual relationship they waltzed into. 

listening to this mashup for the millionth time ever since I came across it on Youtube last week. It was initially a random click and I didn't really know what to expect but oh my god the one who made it knew exactly what he was doing. As one comment puts it: it's the acoustic version of Helena we all deserve.

watching Wade's Dead by Daylight playlist. I'm very fascinated by this game, mostly because of the mechanic and the lore behind it, and I've been following LPs of it ever since it was in Beta. I find Wade to be a very capable player, both as a Killer and as a Survivor. And also it's fun to hear them squeal in terror when they're being hunted, lol.

thinking about my family in the Ph. Things haven't been going so well and we're in quite the state. 

smelling this powdery air freshener someone from the office got to mask the smell of food being heated in the microwave. I don't like it.

wishing I can find myself a new project or activity to latch onto. This lull doesn't sit well with me.

hoping I still have time later to make a cheater's version of Hainanese Chicken using our rice cooker. I've got a really bad craving I need to sate, and fast.

wearing this new liquid eyeliner I got from Ilahui. I like how it's so easy to shape the wing with the way it's structured and while it's not waterproof it can certainly last 8+ hours without any retouches.

loving the above-mentioned eyeliner. Haha!

wanting  some ketchup chips. The dry season brought about some weird cravings for me and I've been looking for some ketchup-flavored chips recently. The local grocery hasn't restocked the brand I usually purchase yet, tho. Ugh.

needing to fix up my desk. The way my new computer tower is set up is a little inconvenient for me - I can't even reach the back where the ports are without squeezing myself into a tight crevice. A bit of readjustment should do the trick. 

feeling a bit restless. There's less hours spent in the office and I feel like I need to make use of the excess somehow. 

On listening to others

Being single didn't mean I was alone

Overrated metaphors aside, he let me see that venturing out into the world by myself didn’t mean I should do it alone; I had a support group in the form of my family and friends. Being independent didn’t mean I had to isolate myself from the people who cared about me.

On giving yourself time

On moving on and moving forward

Oh, boy.

Back when the breakup was still fresh, I thought about removing some of the more... sentimental entries I made in the past. I felt that just as my ex didn't have a place in my life anymore, they, too, didn't belong anymore in my blog, that I didn't want to have anything to do with him, or anything that reminded me of him and our time together. Move on, they said.

I’ve had a lot of time in between clicking the Delete button and watching my cursor move in circles, anywhere else but there. By deleting these entries – essentially memories, experiences – was it wise for me to move on when moving on, to me, meant forgetting?

Truth be told I never liked saying I'm ‘moving on’. (Yuck, so jologs.) The phrase always left a bitter taste in my mouth, and certainly not because I’m bitter myself, but there I was throwing the words around after we called it quits. In my head, it looked like I’m dusting my hands clean and walking away from the rubble without taking anything with me. Which, in retrospect, isn’t all that bad; if you want to remove yourself from the bad stuff, you’re free to do as you please. 

But moving on, to me, carried the same sense as getting a new toothbrush after you’re done with the old one. And while my failed relationship wasn’t all sunshine daisies, and butter mellow, I knew it didn’t deserve to be dismissed so casually like it didn’t once occupy a significant part of my life. 

I didn’t want to move on, I wanted to move forward.

I refuse to wipe my slate blank and go back to square 1 because that would mean I didn’t learn anything; to pretend it didn’t happen would be totally unfair to me, my ex, and to my future partner. Whether I liked it or not, those 5 years played a part of making me who I am now. I came out of that relationship knowing what I want, and, no matter how vague, an idea of how to get it. 

I’m not saying I want to remain stuck on the past – it’s the last thing I want. I’m saying I want to take the experiences, even the pain, which are inevitably part of me forever, with me so I can grow. This is about me wanting to be able to talk about my past openly, without fearing it, without inhibitions, and without it affecting me negatively. I'm moving forward carrying all of this not as baggage, but as a part of me.

This is about acknowledging the good and the bad so I can become a better version of me. And that sounded a lot better than leaving the past behind a locked door. So the blog posts will stay.

I really should have just written a separate blog post for this one, but I was worried this post wouldn’t be as coherent.

There's still more I'd like to say, but I think this should do for now.  If asked, I still wouldn't trade any of this for the world, tears and all. More than anything, I'm quite thankful and that's enough for me.

What about you? What was your break up like, and how did you move forward?

I just realized there's exactly 10 days left before June. The May section of my planner is desolate, I just remembered I need to pick up some stuff from the supermarket, and I can't remember what I had for lunch yesterday. For what it's worth, I'm really trying here.

These days a lot of establishments would boast that they have the best food at reasonable prices - but finding out of they walked the talk is another journey entirely. Time and again I found myself walking away from their doors with my wallet a little lighter but my cravings yet to be satisfied. "Until the next adventure!" I'd say.

This is probably my best attempt at jump-starting regular blog updates again. Right now the hours are dead in my new office and I'm rediscovering my interest in Photoshop. Also because I need it for work, but that's another story.

Finally this blog is (sort of) all caught up. Somewhat.

Aside from a really bad case of Hainanese Chicken cravings and a dire need for a hair cut, I think I'm doing okay. We haven't got the whole "independent adult" thing down pat yet but we're getting there.

This month I'll really try to make more effort into uploading regular blog posts. I believe I only need to get my rhythm back and I should be good. Theoretically. 

I'm thinking about starting a new series about my life here in Dubai, but I'm not really sure if I'll be able to chronicle all the things properly, let alone make regular updates. But we'll see. I'm still pretty optimistic about my time management skills, and my ability to remember to do things right when there's no time left for me to do them. 

So yeah, here's to me getting things done, if only to make it seem like I've got everything figured out. Somewhat.